Oh, the Thirties

Funny, I never imagined as a child that I would enter Christ's years single, as Bridget Jones. But I have crossed this milestone, not only single, but happily single and still living with my parents.  

As a teenager, I felt that my situation would be like now. Not that I'll still be living at home, it hit me on the head as hard as I've never imagined, but I'll be single when passing the milestone. And from year to year, my conviction grew stronger. The first thirty years were extraordinary and turbulent in this area. From secret childhood dreams of marriage, denial of falling in love, pride and shame that I felt when I was in my first relationship, pain when it ended, swearing to all the gods that it will never happen again, and finally, a promise to oneself that it will get better with age. Well, the years are here, and with them, peace. That's not what I imagined in my early twenties.  

At that time, romantic films with a happy, fairytale ending were more popular than the Bridget Jones character among girls. And being alone was scary. We have always been surrounded by people at home and school in our spare time. But over the years, when I had a mountain of failed relationships behind me, something inside me turned around. One evening, as I was returning from college late and sitting alone on the bus home, I felt a strange peace as I looked out the window. My head was not burdened by some sort of agreement I had to respect, an errand, or a responsibility to the other. Something in me shifted, and the fear of "being alone" turned into the fear of "being in a relationship". 

The closer I reached my 30s, the less I thought about serious relationships. I focused on more critical issues, such as finding a job, getting promoted, and finally buying an apartment. Well, I expected all this to happen before I was thirty. But life did not listen to me. What's more, life stacked a deck against me and killed me for some time. I got the diagnosis of primary multiple sclerosis. At that moment, everything I dreamed of as a child returned. I was thinking again about more serious relationships, even children, even though I had never wanted to. It took quite some time for me to get back the old me.

Indeed, the disease does not take that away from you, but I still think that children with this diagnosis are a risk that I do not want. Even if I would love children and strongly desire them, I would not choose to do so. The primary reason is not that the child would then see and live with my condition, which would deteriorate from year to year, but I was purely selfish. Due to hormonal changes and possible worsening of the disease, I do not want to go through the pregnancy process. It's a little different with partners. I honestly don't know what to think. Some people say that with such a diagnosis, you need someone who accompanies you through life, and the question on my mind is what you could possibly give back to such a person if in a relationship. Although it sounds strange, the diagnosis supported me in my previous decision - no to the children and no to relationships. When thinking about relationships, I sometimes don't have a strong opinion or a loud no to the question, while in the first one, not even a wind could shake me.  

Why are women in their 30s single? Apart from the diagnosis, a well-known phrase - there is no time, and there is no place. Studying, finding a job, persevering at work, working for a promotion, for the money you bloody need to become independent. And in the meantime, the thirties quietly knock on the door. However, the opposite of my thesis is all those women who, despite studying and working, managed to have a family life. According to others, the main reasons for not having a relationship are independence and unwillingness to adapt.

It is challenging to show precisely in which bush the rabbit hides. Some choose consciously, others simply meet life. They do what is given to them at a given moment and do not bother with the biological clock or the question, "Who will be there for you when you are old?". The main milestone is children. When someone in the family has them and is preferably even younger than you, you get a pitying look and the label "spinster," although you are neither old nor a virgin. But okay, let me be a spinster, I don't mind.